If you have experienced a traumatic event and told anyone about it, you have probably heard a variation of the above question. The truth is that your loss has hurt you in a way that challenges your typical coping mechanisms. You may have talked about your grief till there seems to be nothing left to say. You may have listened to your favorite songs for hours on repeat. But still the grief presses down upon your spirit without relief.

I experienced a trauma about 8 years ago when my wife and I miscarried our first child. I had years of education in counseling on how to cope with a loss, but all the “skills” seemed mechanical. Hence, we spent almost all of our time attempting to process the loss. We would talk for hours about our disappointments, our pain, and our anxieties about the future. Of course, spending so much time processing at this deep level was mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausting.

Looking back at that time, my wife and I often got stuck processing the emotional pain without allowing ourselves to come up to breathe. We weren’t taking care of our physical bodies. We talked for hours, we listened to worship music, we wrote songs together, we wrote in journals, etc. These are all beneficial methods of coping. However, the way that we attempted to stay at this processing level would be like asking a runner to begin training for a marathon by running 26 miles—you have to train in smaller segments to allow your body to rest.

Now, I realize that there are no rules for grieving; every individual will experience grief from their own unique perspective. Yet, if “coping skills” seem like vague unhelpful concepts to you, maybe you can gain something from the distinctions I am about to make. I believe that all people are already coping with life events whether they are aware of it or not. For instance, turning on the TV or getting a drink with some friends are ways to cope with stress. When experiences become overwhelming and the methods of coping stop working, people tend to escalate their behaviors in negative ways or seek new alternatives.

I would like to describe types of coping skills and discuss how to use these skills effectively when dealing specifically with loss. Many of these same skills could also be used if you are facing generally uncomfortable feelings or situations.