From the Series "A Mile in My Shoes"
By Kevin D
I have days that are real battles within myself. Days when it seems there isn’t anything I can do to battle the feelings I have. These days I realize how weak I am.
Is this a spiritual issue? Is it physical? Is it all in my mind? It must be all of these.
We, as a society, don’t seem to make time for God or even spirituality. We rise early and rush to get ready for work, where we spend the majority of our days. We come home in the evening and find a reason to pass the time without considering our spiritual lives until it’s time for bed and then we do it all over again.
We fill our weekends with activities, or we say we want to “relax” since we “work” all week, even though we may believe that a relationship with God is most important. We fail daily and more voids in our souls open up that we try to fill with meaningless things like fancy clothes, partying, social statuses, shiny possessions, relationships, or even goals to attain. It’s a game and we’re losing.
As for me, it’s right there. There is so much to be happy for and so much to appreciate. There is so much to be grateful for, and it is possible in moments of clarity, but the negative envelopes the rest and makes it seem impossible to grasp. Like happiness is fading and there’s no way to stop it. I’m well aware that I’m slipping and that I, in fact, am losing.
My moments of clarity are less and less. I have no desires for the world, but it has completely taken over my mind. My hierarchy of needs seems to diminish. I only know what I think I know….which is nothing.
It’s really hard being me. My hobbies have always been limited. My likes have been the same. It’s not fun living in a life where you don’t really know where your mind is going to take you tomorrow…or an hour from now.
It’s miserable being critical. It’s miserable seeing the negative in everything. It’s miserable knowing that I’m so blessed, but cannot appreciate it.
I’m not asking for sympathy, because I don’t deserve it, but I cannot explain my current state. I’m in charge of myself, but I’m not.
Alone is a weirdly accurate way of describing it, even though I know I’m not alone.
Lost. Maybe lost is the best way of putting it.
Like drowning every day, but pretending that I don’t need the help of the boats coming by. I desperately need those boats…
If the words above ring true for you and you find yourself caught in a battle with darkness, please don’t wait to seek help. Talk to a professional today.
About this Blog:
At Resolve Mental Health we are committed to addressing the stigma of getting help for mental health concerns. One of the ways we are approaching this issue is by highlighting the stories of real people who are journeying toward mental wellness. If you or someone you know is on this familiar and difficult road, please know that you are not alone. Our aim is for these stories to help you feel understood and connected to others who are traveling with you.
If you have a story about mental health that you would like to share, please email it to admin@resolvementalhealth.com with the subject line “Mile in My Shoes.”
