Relationship Rescue: The Bare Necessities

lifesaver for relationships

Relationship Rescue: The Bare Necessities

I have two young daughters. Sometimes I catch myself humming tunes from Frozen and Moana while mowing the yard. I have a growing photo album of “favorite cute animals” on my phone in case of emergencies. I used to fight it but I’ve learned to embrace this life. 

One or our favorite movies to watch as a family has always been The Jungle Book. Not the newest release. I mean the classic, animated version. You know, the one with the corny songs and the voice actor for Winnie the Pooh lending his talents to the creepy snake, Kaa (this was a thrilling discovery I made after countless views; a villainous Pooh still makes me smile). One of the great songs in The Jungle Book is “The Bare Necessities”.

jungle book characters
The Jungle Book (1967) No Copyright Infringement Intended

Looking for the bare necessities
The simple bare necessities
Forget about your worries and your strife
I mean the bare necessities
That’s why a bear can rest at ease
With just the bare necessities of life

Besides “sparking joy”,  I think these lyrics are a great place to start in a relationship rescue. When people first start couples counseling with me they often ask for some basic tools or guidance to help them make it through the week after the first session. I, like many relationship counselors, have developed a set of rules that I think are the bare necessities for working positively toward a healthy relationship. In short, if you can’t commit to trying your hardest to follow these basic rules, no amount of counseling is going to be able to repair the relationship.

Who Needs Rescue?

If you are in a relationship that has constant conflict, I have good news for you: We can work with that! Surprisingly, ending conflict is not actually the goal of counseling for a good couples counselor. I have found that while all healthy couples have some amount of conflict, there are many unhealthy couples, on the verge of separation, that experience virtually no conflict. By “conflict” I do not mean “fights” in the sense of throwing stuff out on the front lawn and emptying the bank account. I am thinking about disagreements, arguments, misunderstandings and emotional hurts. If these issues never occur in a relationship it is likely that there is enmeshment–the loss of individual wants, needs and personality in an effort to please the partner–or complete detachment and apathy regarding an emotional connection. If conflict is present, we likely have two individuals with their own wants and needs who are miserable with the way each other are responding to these wants and needs. If we break it down, conflict is simply the protest against a lack of connection and understanding. We can work with that! 

So if ending conflict for volatile relationships is not the primary goal of couples counseling, what is? Making the conflict safe. That’s it. If a therapist can help a couple commit to a plan to keep conflict from destroying connection, the relationship has a chance. When a relationship is not abiding by some simple rules for safe conflict, it will not be a mutually satisfying or positive relationship and will likely fail. 

What Not To Do

Threats

Threats can be obvious statements attempting to intimidate or create fear in another person. Threats can also be subtle attempts to undermine someone’s sense of safety, such as explaining how negatively you would respond if the other person did x, y, or z. I would also include ultimate statements about the relationship or what I call “terminal statements” in this category: “If you say one more word, I will walk out that door and never come back.” There is a lot to process with these kinds of statements, but they are absolutely destructive. Whether the person who says these kinds of things realizes it or not, terminal statements function by inspiring fear of abandonment or loss in order to force compliance. A commitment based on fear is never going to satisfy the deeper need for connection and intimacy; resentment and withdrawing are much more likely.

Physical Abuse & Property Destruction

Clearly, any kind of unwanted touching or physical abuse cannot be happening if a couple is wanting to heal their relationship. Crossing physical boundaries with your partner completely destroys the felt safety that is the bedrock for mending a broken relationship. I would include property destruction with physical abuse because it very often has a similar intimidating and paralyzing effect on another person. Property destruction communicates an indirect threat that you could be next.

Degrading Your Partner & Showing Contempt

Insulting, demeaning, shaming, and cursing at your partner has to stop. I lump these behaviors along with less severe behaviors such as eye-rolling and mocking into the category of showing contempt. 

Contempt is one of the most destructive forces in a relationship. In fact, research shows that contempt for one’s partner is one of the clearest signs that a relationship is on a quick path to self-destruction. Contempt is like shooting holes in your boat and then blaming your partner for not rowing. The relationship is going to sink regardless of how hard you are working if you continue to show contempt for each other. 

Any attempt at making your partner feel small will also severely diminish any lingering hopes for intimacy in the relationship. Intimacy is built on trust. To be truly intimate is to fully know someone and to trust enough to want to be fully known by someone else. To humiliate someone is to dehumanize them, to attempt to make them feel less than human. Being known, is the last thing a person made to feel subhuman wants. 

Stonewalling

John Gottman describes stonewalling or “checking out” in the relationship as incredibly destructive. If your partner is stonewalling you they are essentially “pretending you are not even there”. Sometimes if the other behaviors above are present in a relationship, a person will be forced into a position of complete emotional shutdown. Think of a turtle going into its shell. Conversely, if a person is feeling helpless when facing a wall instead of a partner, it is not surprising that he or she may try to make themselves heard by resorting to some of the above behaviors.  

What To Do

Stay Focused

Handle one issue at a time and handle when it has just recently happened–within 24 hours if possible. Addressing the issue quickly will allow you to clarify misconceptions and express hurts before they build into resentment. Keeping focused on one, immediate issue at a time will help prevent escalations and defensiveness. Stick to one thing and resist the urge to bring up past mistakes. We all try to do this at times to build a case of mounting evidence against our partners. Unfortunately, bringing up the past mistakes only serves to derail the conversation away from the opportunity to make constructive changes.

Own It

Take responsibility for your own feelings. Use the following structure when trying to discuss your concerns:

“I feel _____, when you ______.”

If you are able to identify why those two things are connected go for it. For example, “I feel hurt when you say you will be home at 6 PM but then you don’t show up till 8 PM. I start to wonder if I am a priority to you.” If you have trouble with the second part of explaining why your feeling is connected to their action that is fine. You can work on identifying the why over time. The most important part of this is to make sure to start with owning your own feeling and expressing it to your partner. Starting with “I” instead of “you” is key to limiting the attack and defense dynamic of the conflict. Your partner will be much less on the defense if you start by expressing the uncomfortable feeling you are having instead of pointing your finger. Also, if you were on the other side of the I feel statement, wouldn’t you be more likely to respond with concern and empathy if your love is describing how sad or hurt she or he has been feeling?

Show Up & Be Vulnerable

This one takes a lot of courage but it is absolutely necessary if you are going to rescue your relationship. You have to show up. Brené Brown (a renowned expert on connection, vulnerability and relationships) explains that showing up requires us to take off the self-protective armor in a relationship and engage with the other person. In her book, Daring Greatly, she states, “Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you” (p. 113). It is an act of courage and faith to set aside your armor and become vulnerable with your partner. Courage: because it is just you now, you’ve stripped away the defensive shell you have been wearing for so long and there is nothing else between you and your partner. Faith: because you are trusting that your partner is going to make the same brave decision. 

About the Author:

Cole Modlin, MA, LPC is a director and co-founder at Resolve Mental Health. He is also a regular contributor to the Resolve Blog and will be writing more about relationships and mental wellness.   

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Using Coping Skills Effectively

Using Coping Skills Effectively Blog Post

"How are you coping with that?"

If you have experienced a traumatic event and told anyone about it, you have probably heard a variation of the above question. The truth is that your loss has hurt you in a way that challenges your typical coping mechanisms. You may have talked about your grief till there seems to be nothing left to say. You may have listened to your favorite songs for hours on repeat. But still the grief presses down upon your spirit without relief.

I experienced a trauma about 8 years ago when my wife and I miscarried our first child. I had years of education in counseling on how to cope with a loss, but all the “skills” seemed mechanical. Hence, we spent almost all of our time attempting to process the loss. We would talk for hours about our disappointments, our pain, and our anxieties about the future. Of course, spending so much time processing at this deep level was mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausting.

Looking back at that time, my wife and I often got stuck processing the emotional pain without allowing ourselves to come up to breathe. We weren’t taking care of our physical bodies. We talked for hours, we listened to worship music, we wrote songs together, we wrote in journals, etc. These are all beneficial methods of coping. However, the way that we attempted to stay at this processing level would be like asking a runner to begin training for a marathon by running 26 miles—you have to train in smaller segments to allow your body to rest.

Now, I realize that there are no rules for grieving; every individual will experience grief from their own unique perspective. Yet, if “coping skills” seem like vague unhelpful concepts to you, maybe you can gain something from the distinctions I am about to make. I believe that all people are already coping with life events whether they are aware of it or not. For instance, turning on the TV or getting a drink with some friends are ways to cope with stress. When experiences become overwhelming and the methods of coping stop working, people tend to escalate their behaviors in negative ways or seek new alternatives.

I would like to describe types of coping skills and discuss how to use these skills effectively when dealing specifically with loss. Many of these same skills could also be used if you are facing generally uncomfortable feelings or situations.  

Three Basic Categories of Coping

  1. Distraction based coping skills that take your mind off your distress
  2. Grounding skills that help you focus on the here-and-now
  3. Processing skills that help you accept and work through your distress

Distractions

In the category of distraction we have some of the following skills:​

  • Counting – up to 100, down from 10, down from 100 by multiples of 7, etc.
  • Puzzles – Sudoku, crosswords, word games, cards, and anything else that occupies your mind
  • Exercise – walking, jogging, sports, aerobics, dancing, etc.
  • Music – listening or playing music of any kind
  • Media – playing video games, watching a funny TV show, YouTube clip, or movie

These are positive skills that provide a necessary relief to people in crisis. Our bodies simply cannot stay in a state of crisis indefinitely. Choosing healthy distractions can give us permission to experience some brief normalcy and relief when we are preparing to process events. In fact, recent studies are supporting the possibility that playing a distracting game like Tetris soon after a traumatic event can reduce the long-term negative effects of trauma.

Colored Pencils For Coping

Constantly using these distraction techniques, though, can become a form of avoidance or denial. Moreover, one can actually build tolerance to distracting activities. If you begin to find that negative thoughts are breaking through your attempts at watching your favorite TV show or video game, you have likely developed a tolerance to these distractions and they will no longer be effective at keeping out intrusive thoughts. When distractions stop working, it is not uncommon for people to begin escalating to other more dangerous forms of escape, such as alcoholism or addiction. Hence, getting stuck on distraction may be an indication that developing skills at the next level of coping will be necessary to manage distress effectively.

Grounding

Here are some coping skills that focus on grounding the individual in the present:

  • Relaxation – progressive muscle relaxation, massage, diaphragmatic breathing exercises, bubble bath, yoga, prayer, meditation, etc.
  • Safe Place Imagery – developing a safe place in your mind connected to each of your five senses
  • Mindfulness – focus on your current environment (e.g., the feel of the floor beneath your feet, the texture of the chair you are sitting in, the smell of a candle, etc.)
  • Sensory Awareness – hold an ice-cube, pet an animal, enjoy a peppermint

There is some overlap between the distracting skills and the grounding skills. I think it is beneficial to draw the distinction between these categories because I see grounding skills as moving a person closer mentally to dealing with the trauma or distress.

Hand Holding Sand on Beach

Grounding activities are not typically what you would choose to engage in for a “fun” distraction or escape. Using safe place imagery or diaphragmatic breathing demonstrates awareness that support is needed and life has changed due to your experiences or level of distress.

If you find that you are seeking more therapeutic books, podcasts, or blogs you are most open to learning about grounding. Grounding skills are typically learned from professionals or through self-help materials.

Processing

Finally, we come to the third category of coping, which includes skills that are conducive to processing:

  • Journaling – putting words to your experience in private can sometimes be the first step in organizing your memories into a cohesive story
  • Verbalizing – talking with a support person or professional about your story
  • Sharing – writing a letter or song, giving a testimony about your experience, writing a blog, joining a group to discuss your shared experiences, etc.
  • Commemorating Healing – planting a tree, getting a tattoo, writing a song or poem, creating something, etc.

This is the deepest level of coping and it usually requires the most emotional energy. With the distraction and grounding skills a person is primarily using stress management. The processing skills, in contrast, are aimed at healing from negative experiences. Activities at the processing stage are highly personal and the effectiveness they provide will often vary drastically between people, even in the same family. 

Woman writing in journal

As I mentioned earlier, it is important to note that staying at this processing level for extended periods can lead to total exhaustion. We need to take care of ourselves when facing trauma or extensive stress. Adequate self-care requires coming up for air, so to speak, to the distracting and grounding levels at times when processing gets too overwhelming.

Many people can manage for most of their lives by using skills from the distraction category without needing to venture beyond this point. If trauma or a loss has occurred, it is much more likely that distraction will stop working. When anxious or disturbing thoughts begin invading your work and personal life despite your attempts at distraction, you could benefit from grounding yourself in those moments. However, grounding is still a temporary solution in that it places you firmly in the present but ignores the past experience.

If you do intend to begin processing your experiences, I encourage you to build a strong support system around you. Processing is hard work and you will need people to lift you up and remind you to take care of yourself. For some people, it will also be essential that they talk to a mental health professional. A good therapist will help you navigate the complexities of your loss, encouraging you to engage in distraction at times but also affirming you that you can press in to greater healing with proper grounding and support.

About the Author:

Cole Modlin, MA, LPC is a director and co-founder at Resolve Mental Health. He is also a regular contributor for the Resolve Blog and will be writing more about self-care, distress tolerance, and mental wellness.  

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