"How are you coping with that?"
If you have experienced a traumatic event and told anyone about it, you have probably heard a variation of the above question. The truth is that your loss has hurt you in a way that challenges your typical coping mechanisms. You may have talked about your grief till there seems to be nothing left to say. You may have listened to your favorite songs for hours on repeat. But still the grief presses down upon your spirit without relief.
I experienced a trauma about 8 years ago when my wife and I miscarried our first child. I had years of education in counseling on how to cope with a loss, but all the “skills” seemed mechanical. Hence, we spent almost all of our time attempting to process the loss. We would talk for hours about our disappointments, our pain, and our anxieties about the future. Of course, spending so much time processing at this deep level was mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausting.
Looking back at that time, my wife and I often got stuck processing the emotional pain without allowing ourselves to come up to breathe. We weren’t taking care of our physical bodies. We talked for hours, we listened to worship music, we wrote songs together, we wrote in journals, etc. These are all beneficial methods of coping. However, the way that we attempted to stay at this processing level would be like asking a runner to begin training for a marathon by running 26 miles—you have to train in smaller segments to allow your body to rest.
Now, I realize that there are no rules for grieving; every individual will experience grief from their own unique perspective. Yet, if “coping skills” seem like vague unhelpful concepts to you, maybe you can gain something from the distinctions I am about to make. I believe that all people are already coping with life events whether they are aware of it or not. For instance, turning on the TV or getting a drink with some friends are ways to cope with stress. When experiences become overwhelming and the methods of coping stop working, people tend to escalate their behaviors in negative ways or seek new alternatives.
I would like to describe types of coping skills and discuss how to use these skills effectively when dealing specifically with loss. Many of these same skills could also be used if you are facing generally uncomfortable feelings or situations.
Three Basic Categories of Coping
- Distraction based coping skills that take your mind off your distress
- Grounding skills that help you focus on the here-and-now
- Processing skills that help you accept and work through your distress
Distractions
In the category of distraction we have some of the following skills:
- Counting – up to 100, down from 10, down from 100 by multiples of 7, etc.
- Puzzles – Sudoku, crosswords, word games, cards, and anything else that occupies your mind
- Exercise – walking, jogging, sports, aerobics, dancing, etc.
- Music – listening or playing music of any kind
- Media – playing video games, watching a funny TV show, YouTube clip, or movie
These are positive skills that provide a necessary relief to people in crisis. Our bodies simply cannot stay in a state of crisis indefinitely. Choosing healthy distractions can give us permission to experience some brief normalcy and relief when we are preparing to process events. In fact, recent studies are supporting the possibility that playing a distracting game like Tetris soon after a traumatic event can reduce the long-term negative effects of trauma.
Constantly using these distraction techniques, though, can become a form of avoidance or denial. Moreover, one can actually build tolerance to distracting activities. If you begin to find that negative thoughts are breaking through your attempts at watching your favorite TV show or video game, you have likely developed a tolerance to these distractions and they will no longer be effective at keeping out intrusive thoughts. When distractions stop working, it is not uncommon for people to begin escalating to other more dangerous forms of escape, such as alcoholism or addiction. Hence, getting stuck on distraction may be an indication that developing skills at the next level of coping will be necessary to manage distress effectively.
Grounding
Here are some coping skills that focus on grounding the individual in the present:
- Relaxation – progressive muscle relaxation, massage, diaphragmatic breathing exercises, bubble bath, yoga, prayer, meditation, etc.
- Safe Place Imagery – developing a safe place in your mind connected to each of your five senses
- Mindfulness – focus on your current environment (e.g., the feel of the floor beneath your feet, the texture of the chair you are sitting in, the smell of a candle, etc.)
- Sensory Awareness – hold an ice-cube, pet an animal, enjoy a peppermint
There is some overlap between the distracting skills and the grounding skills. I think it is beneficial to draw the distinction between these categories because I see grounding skills as moving a person closer mentally to dealing with the trauma or distress.
Grounding activities are not typically what you would choose to engage in for a “fun” distraction or escape. Using safe place imagery or diaphragmatic breathing demonstrates awareness that support is needed and life has changed due to your experiences or level of distress.
If you find that you are seeking more therapeutic books, podcasts, or blogs you are most open to learning about grounding. Grounding skills are typically learned from professionals or through self-help materials.
Processing
Finally, we come to the third category of coping, which includes skills that are conducive to processing:
- Journaling – putting words to your experience in private can sometimes be the first step in organizing your memories into a cohesive story
- Verbalizing – talking with a support person or professional about your story
- Sharing – writing a letter or song, giving a testimony about your experience, writing a blog, joining a group to discuss your shared experiences, etc.
- Commemorating Healing – planting a tree, getting a tattoo, writing a song or poem, creating something, etc.
This is the deepest level of coping and it usually requires the most emotional energy. With the distraction and grounding skills a person is primarily using stress management. The processing skills, in contrast, are aimed at healing from negative experiences. Activities at the processing stage are highly personal and the effectiveness they provide will often vary drastically between people, even in the same family.
As I mentioned earlier, it is important to note that staying at this processing level for extended periods can lead to total exhaustion. We need to take care of ourselves when facing trauma or extensive stress. Adequate self-care requires coming up for air, so to speak, to the distracting and grounding levels at times when processing gets too overwhelming.
Many people can manage for most of their lives by using skills from the distraction category without needing to venture beyond this point. If trauma or a loss has occurred, it is much more likely that distraction will stop working. When anxious or disturbing thoughts begin invading your work and personal life despite your attempts at distraction, you could benefit from grounding yourself in those moments. However, grounding is still a temporary solution in that it places you firmly in the present but ignores the past experience.
If you do intend to begin processing your experiences, I encourage you to build a strong support system around you. Processing is hard work and you will need people to lift you up and remind you to take care of yourself. For some people, it will also be essential that they talk to a mental health professional. A good therapist will help you navigate the complexities of your loss, encouraging you to engage in distraction at times but also affirming you that you can press in to greater healing with proper grounding and support.
About the Author:
Cole Modlin, MA, LPC is a director and co-founder at Resolve Mental Health. He is also a regular contributor for the Resolve Blog and will be writing more about self-care, distress tolerance, and mental wellness.
