Relationship Rescue: The Bare Necessities
I have two young daughters. Sometimes I catch myself humming tunes from Frozen and Moana while mowing the yard. I have a growing photo album of “favorite cute animals” on my phone in case of emergencies. I used to fight it but I’ve learned to embrace this life.
One or our favorite movies to watch as a family has always been The Jungle Book. Not the newest release. I mean the classic, animated version. You know, the one with the corny songs and the voice actor for Winnie the Pooh lending his talents to the creepy snake, Kaa (this was a thrilling discovery I made after countless views; a villainous Pooh still makes me smile). One of the great songs in The Jungle Book is “The Bare Necessities”.
Looking for the bare necessities
The simple bare necessities
Forget about your worries and your strife
I mean the bare necessities
That’s why a bear can rest at ease
With just the bare necessities of life
Besides “sparking joy”, I think these lyrics are a great place to start in a relationship rescue. When people first start couples counseling with me they often ask for some basic tools or guidance to help them make it through the week after the first session. I, like many relationship counselors, have developed a set of rules that I think are the bare necessities for working positively toward a healthy relationship. In short, if you can’t commit to trying your hardest to follow these basic rules, no amount of counseling is going to be able to repair the relationship.
Who Needs Rescue?
If you are in a relationship that has constant conflict, I have good news for you: We can work with that! Surprisingly, ending conflict is not actually the goal of counseling for a good couples counselor. I have found that while all healthy couples have some amount of conflict, there are many unhealthy couples, on the verge of separation, that experience virtually no conflict. By “conflict” I do not mean “fights” in the sense of throwing stuff out on the front lawn and emptying the bank account. I am thinking about disagreements, arguments, misunderstandings and emotional hurts. If these issues never occur in a relationship it is likely that there is enmeshment–the loss of individual wants, needs and personality in an effort to please the partner–or complete detachment and apathy regarding an emotional connection. If conflict is present, we likely have two individuals with their own wants and needs who are miserable with the way each other are responding to these wants and needs. If we break it down, conflict is simply the protest against a lack of connection and understanding. We can work with that!
So if ending conflict for volatile relationships is not the primary goal of couples counseling, what is? Making the conflict safe. That’s it. If a therapist can help a couple commit to a plan to keep conflict from destroying connection, the relationship has a chance. When a relationship is not abiding by some simple rules for safe conflict, it will not be a mutually satisfying or positive relationship and will likely fail.
What Not To Do
Threats
Threats can be obvious statements attempting to intimidate or create fear in another person. Threats can also be subtle attempts to undermine someone’s sense of safety, such as explaining how negatively you would respond if the other person did x, y, or z. I would also include ultimate statements about the relationship or what I call “terminal statements” in this category: “If you say one more word, I will walk out that door and never come back.” There is a lot to process with these kinds of statements, but they are absolutely destructive. Whether the person who says these kinds of things realizes it or not, terminal statements function by inspiring fear of abandonment or loss in order to force compliance. A commitment based on fear is never going to satisfy the deeper need for connection and intimacy; resentment and withdrawing are much more likely.
Physical Abuse & Property Destruction
Clearly, any kind of unwanted touching or physical abuse cannot be happening if a couple is wanting to heal their relationship. Crossing physical boundaries with your partner completely destroys the felt safety that is the bedrock for mending a broken relationship. I would include property destruction with physical abuse because it very often has a similar intimidating and paralyzing effect on another person. Property destruction communicates an indirect threat that you could be next.
Degrading Your Partner & Showing Contempt
Insulting, demeaning, shaming, and cursing at your partner has to stop. I lump these behaviors along with less severe behaviors such as eye-rolling and mocking into the category of showing contempt.
Contempt is one of the most destructive forces in a relationship. In fact, research shows that contempt for one’s partner is one of the clearest signs that a relationship is on a quick path to self-destruction. Contempt is like shooting holes in your boat and then blaming your partner for not rowing. The relationship is going to sink regardless of how hard you are working if you continue to show contempt for each other.
Any attempt at making your partner feel small will also severely diminish any lingering hopes for intimacy in the relationship. Intimacy is built on trust. To be truly intimate is to fully know someone and to trust enough to want to be fully known by someone else. To humiliate someone is to dehumanize them, to attempt to make them feel less than human. Being known, is the last thing a person made to feel subhuman wants.
Stonewalling
John Gottman describes stonewalling or “checking out” in the relationship as incredibly destructive. If your partner is stonewalling you they are essentially “pretending you are not even there”. Sometimes if the other behaviors above are present in a relationship, a person will be forced into a position of complete emotional shutdown. Think of a turtle going into its shell. Conversely, if a person is feeling helpless when facing a wall instead of a partner, it is not surprising that he or she may try to make themselves heard by resorting to some of the above behaviors.
What To Do
Stay Focused
Handle one issue at a time and handle when it has just recently happened–within 24 hours if possible. Addressing the issue quickly will allow you to clarify misconceptions and express hurts before they build into resentment. Keeping focused on one, immediate issue at a time will help prevent escalations and defensiveness. Stick to one thing and resist the urge to bring up past mistakes. We all try to do this at times to build a case of mounting evidence against our partners. Unfortunately, bringing up the past mistakes only serves to derail the conversation away from the opportunity to make constructive changes.
Own It
Take responsibility for your own feelings. Use the following structure when trying to discuss your concerns:
“I feel _____, when you ______.”
If you are able to identify why those two things are connected go for it. For example, “I feel hurt when you say you will be home at 6 PM but then you don’t show up till 8 PM. I start to wonder if I am a priority to you.” If you have trouble with the second part of explaining why your feeling is connected to their action that is fine. You can work on identifying the why over time. The most important part of this is to make sure to start with owning your own feeling and expressing it to your partner. Starting with “I” instead of “you” is key to limiting the attack and defense dynamic of the conflict. Your partner will be much less on the defense if you start by expressing the uncomfortable feeling you are having instead of pointing your finger. Also, if you were on the other side of the I feel statement, wouldn’t you be more likely to respond with concern and empathy if your love is describing how sad or hurt she or he has been feeling?
Show Up & Be Vulnerable
This one takes a lot of courage but it is absolutely necessary if you are going to rescue your relationship. You have to show up. Brené Brown (a renowned expert on connection, vulnerability and relationships) explains that showing up requires us to take off the self-protective armor in a relationship and engage with the other person. In her book, Daring Greatly, she states, “Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you” (p. 113). It is an act of courage and faith to set aside your armor and become vulnerable with your partner. Courage: because it is just you now, you’ve stripped away the defensive shell you have been wearing for so long and there is nothing else between you and your partner. Faith: because you are trusting that your partner is going to make the same brave decision.
About the Author:
Cole Modlin, MA, LPC is a director and co-founder at Resolve Mental Health. He is also a regular contributor to the Resolve Blog and will be writing more about relationships and mental wellness.
